colywolys corpse catalog

How has it taken me this long to watch these movies?? For my latest franchise deep-dive I delved into the classic Sci-Fi Thriller Horror Action fest known simply as “Alien” and genuinely had a blast watching each of these movies.

One of my favorite aspects of this franchise is just how different each movie is. You’ve got a brooding, dark thriller followed by a sick action movie and eventually we end up in some campy bro movie… only to pivot full circle back into horror-thriller.

There’s some not-so-heavy debate on these films and most people would fool you into thinking all but 1 and 2 suck (at least from the original Sigourney filmography), but I’m here to make the case that you should watch every single last god damn one of these movies. Without further ado…

films reviewed in this post

• Alien 1979 (S-tier)
• Aliens 1986 (S-tier)
• Alien³ 1992 (A-tier)
• Alien Resurrection 1997 (F-tier; but, like, in a fun way.)
• Prometheus 2012 (B-tier)
• Alien: Covenant 2017 (A-tier)
• Alien: Romulus 2024 (S-tier)

I’ll be reviewing these films in order of release, but in case you needed the chronology I made this lil infographic to show the timeline in the Alien universe:

Alien 1979 (s-tier):

My apologies Ridley Scott, I was not familiar with your game. This movie fuckin’ rules. It is positively mind-blowing that this was made in the 70s. The set design and imagination are out of this world and you have to love that all of this was done using practical effects.

As far as the franchise goes, this is the best of all the Alien movies and it was honestly nothing like I was expecting. Everyone and their mothers is familiar with the facehugger-to-chestburster pipeline. Even still, this movie caught me off guard with its pacing and execution. This is peak suspense.

Especially with the context that this was the first film of the series, if you didn’t know what was coming I can only imagine that first time viewers would have been utterly shocked. Plus, it’s got that amazing late 70s-early 80s feel that “The Thing” has. They just don’t make movies like this anymore.

aliens 1986 (s-tier):

I’m going to say something non-controversial. I’d pay money for Private Vasquez to dap me up and slap me across the face…

“Have you ever been mistaken for a man, Vasquez?”

-a small, fragile man.

“No. Have you?”

-Vasquez right before she daps up her homeboy.

Aliens (plural) veers much more into action than its sci-fi thriller predecessor. After a narrow escape from her first encounter with a Xenomorph, Ripley is enlisted for a rescue mission to go support a colony on the same planet where they found their first alien. And as the name not-so-subtly suggests, there ain’t just one alien this time!!!!

Also unlike the first film, Ripley now has the aid of the Colonial Marines. A group of jarhead badasses that came to drink milk and fuck up bugs… and they just ran out of milk.

It’s hard not to love this movie. It’s jam-packed with catchy one-liners, intense action, along with a touching emotional undercurrent. And if there was any question that Ripley is a friggin’ bad ass, this movie puts that notion to bed.

Possibly my only qualm with Aliens is the way Sgt. Apone deep throats his cigars… my man has got a special set of skills.

alien³ 1992 (a-tier):

Ok before I get into it, can we please take a second to appreciate the naming convention of these first 3 movies…

Ugh yeah. Fuck. That’s the stuff.

I know this movie isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but I still genuinely enjoyed it. How could you not find the “Y-Chromo Bros” even the slightest bit endearing?

Jokes aside… this movie opens on possibly the bleakest note of a 3rd franchise movie ever conceptualized. It takes all that hope and good will from Aliens and absolutely annihilates it.

Now our heroine, Ripley, once again has ended up in the wrong fucking solar system. Weyland-Yutani should really take a closer look at those nav systems… I won’t spoil the beginning but this movie is just dark, gritty, and hopeless from the first minute.

Ripley ends up stranded on an abandoned prison planet inhabited by a cult of men who have extra Y-Chromosomes… I guess? But that’s not all cause, you guessed it, there’s another ALIEN!!! Whatttttttt. These little buggers are everywhere.

Such a bizarre premise overall, but very 90s. Also the new Alien breed introduced is pretty cool and we get one of the most iconic stills in Alien franchise history…

…all of which lead me to say this movie is worth a watch for a true Alien fan.

alien resurrection 1997 (F-tier):

I said it’s my favorite movie. I didn’t say it was good.

What in the ever-loving fuck is this movie and Sigourney Weaver co-produced this slop?? Wow.

This is the most unique Alien movie by FAR. We go from gritty sci-fi horror and action to the absolute campiest, most diabolically corny movie ever made. And it is an absolute riot.

This movie was ahead of its time and, while it wasn’t a box office flop, I think if this same film released today people would absolutely adore it. Also, I will not stand for any Joss Whedon slander and I love that he got his chance at the Alien franchise.

The story goes Ron Perlman and his motley crew of space bandits team up with Ripley to foil Weyland-Yutani’s dastardly plot once again as the company has finally managed to get their hands on some bonafide Xenos. We got perfectly executed bullet ricochets. Corny-ass dialogue that I’d argue is self-aware. And Ripley finally getting the family she always wanted…?

As far as Alien as a broader franchise, this movie is totally out of place. But if you can dig your head out of your own ass long enough to have some fun for once in your god damn life then this movie is simply barrels of fun. Oodles, even.

Maybe best omitted from the broader Alien canon though.

prometheus 2012 (b-tier):

Did someone say “prequel”??? I love me a little prequel trilogy action and, best of all, this is the first movie where Ridley Scott returns as director since the franchise debut in 1979!

I’m glad we finally got this movie too. While I think Alien 1979 stands proudly and confidently on its own, it is cool to start to get some lore behind the mysteries hinted at in that film.

Prometheus answers some of the big questions in life like:

“Where did we all come from?”

and

“What’s up with that big dude?”

Also, Ridley Scott CLEARLY hasn’t gotten over what the synth did in the first film because our synth boy, David, is just absolutely DOGGED on non-fucking stop. Spoilers, David might not have the human’s best interest in mind… but can you blame him? Every other line is like:

“Hey David, you might understand if you were a HUMAN with FEELINGS, but you’re just a stupid fuckin’ ROBOT.”

I get the feeling “clanker” is a slur that has graced Ridley Scott’s lips more than once and he doesn’t even try to hide the blatant synth bigotry in this film. I was honestly rooting for David by the end.

alien: covenant 2017 (a-tier):

Oh what a twist! Who could’ve seen that coming?? Hopefully everyone (see Prometheus re: blatant synth vitriol).

I accidentally watched these movies out of order, but I honestly am kind of glad I did because if I had seen Prometheus first the twist wouldn’t have been shocking AT ALL. Instead, I went in totally blind and was totally thrown off by this absolute jump scare of a cast.

Honestly, as an unabashed non-linear storytelling fan, I actually think watching these out of order is the CORRECT experience. Don’t come for me.

I’ll admit though, the real reason this movie isn’t getting an “S” from me is that the beginning didn’t grip me. I wasn’t a huge fan of the whole airborne infection idea, it felt out-of-place. Especially when the purpose of this movie was to show how the current Xenomorph prototype came to be. Something about the evolutionary cycle of goop->airborne super illness->egg sack facehugger feels incorrectly ordered to me. Being able to infect anyone without them knowing is far more oppressive and horrifying than an obviously alien egg sack that for some reason people are too dumb not to stick their face right fucking in front of.

Also, Michael Fassbender played two roles in the same movie before Michael B. Jordan in Sinners, so take notes new horror fans.

Despite a weak intro to the aliens, IMO… this movie really redeems itself in the 3rd act. Michael Fassbender is an incredible actor and I love seeing the evolution of the Xenomorphs. This is incredible fan service, but also just a well done movie overall.

alien: Romulus 2024 (S-tier):

Alright you know what.

I get it.

I fucking get it.

Ridley Scott wasn’t saying ASAB (All Synths Are Bastards). No, no, no… it’s not ASAB it’s… it’s… ACAB (All Capitalists Are Bastards) and we must unite against Weyland-Yutani to liberate the synths and the galaxy at large.

You know what else?

FUCK YEAH.

This is the ultimate franchise retribution. This is what Alien is all about. This is CINEMA.

Fede Álvarez brings Alien back to its roots in a perfect homage to the original. This film is dark, gritty, and utterly devastating. And most importantly of all, it is so truly imaginative. It takes all the best elements from the original:

• The setting.
• The near cosmic horror of the Xenomorphs.
• The sly, sinister, and faceless Weyland-Yutani presence.
• The suspense.
• The originality.

And it adds: strong, well-paced character development; meaningful new lore; subtle fan service; and a new bridge from Alien to Aliens… in a supremely tasteful way.

Fans of the original will love this installment. It is by far the most similar in its tone. It also has that really practical feel that the o.g. has. “Practical” is perhaps not the best word, but it’s the best way I can seem to describe it. Basically, it’s the way I see it engaging with the broader Sci Fi trope.

What does that mean? It means that Álvarez creates the same sense of wonder and awe in his attention to detail of the environment around and inside of Romulus (similar to Ridley’s Nostromo). The Sci Fi has grit. The rings around Rain’s home planet are dense and dangerous. They need to account for subtle nuances like the independent rotation of an abandoned space station. And a combination of utter duress and a lack of experience is of catastrophic consequence. This was more than just special effects, it was an intricately designed ecosystem.

Also, a quick note on the character development because this is what truly sets it apart from the rest. Rain, Andy, Bjorn, Kay… all characters with incredibly rich and emotionally powerful back stories who undergo significant character development throughout the film. If Rain and Andy’s story isn’t enough to bring a tear to your eye then, let me be clear:

I hate you. Get off my blog.

I’m going to struggle not saying this is my favorite because I do think it’s by far the best film in the franchise. BUT. I have to give credit to the creativity of the original, which remains the best.

Romulus is a close second though.

And just a brief moment for some fan service. (Alien³ vs Romulus)

wrapping this shiz up

And there you have it. WAY too much aimless rambling about the Alien franchise. This is a new favorite across the board. I am Alien-pilled. Synth-maxxing. I’m applying for a senior position at Slayland-Cuntani.

Lastly, in case anyone was wondering. This is the u.g.t.l.o.a.t. of the entire Alien film franchise:

1. Alien (1979)
2. Alien: Romulus (2024)
3. Aliens (1986)
4. Alien: Covenant (2017)
5. Alien³ (1992)
6. Alien: Resurrection (1997)
7. Prometheus (2012)