Johnny CARPPPPPSSSSS. This post must be accompanied by the most iconic opening theme in horror movie history. Turn that shit up to 11 and buckle up, cause Michael Myers is back bitches.

Halloween 1978 (S-tier):

“you can’t kill the boogeyman”

-possibly the hardest line ever uttered

John Carpenter, my G.O.A.T.

I’m not gonna sit here and type at you about how nothing beats the classics because my head isn’t that far up my own ass yet.

Emphasis on yet.

What I can appreciate about the oldies is the creativity they demanded. Pulling off a real, authentic scare required the use of practical effects, suspense, and smart camera work. I love the cinematography in this movie and how Michael is always lurking where you least expect him. Possibly my favorite shot in all of horror history happens when Michael Myers and the original final girl finally meet. The way he slowly fades in from the shadows… perfection.

Not to mention the score is absolutely badass (go ahead and hit repeat on that Spotify link. I’ll wait.)

The one and only John Carpenter’s Halloween set the tone for slasher movies for decades to come. This is a must watch. Daddy’s orders.

Halloween 2018 (S-tier):

“he only knows how to keep moving and keep killing”

dr. sartain, aka “the new loomis” – which would be a pretty sick rap alter ego. thank me later.

I tried to pick just one line in this movie for my stupid little pull quote blurbs, but honestly, this movie has too many to choose just one. So please enjoy several throughout the course of this review.

I don’t care if you don’t like slasher films, but… actually, if you don’t like slasher films then do me a favor and get the fuck off my blog.

Anyway.

This film is perfection. It’s utterly uncanny how good the characters are. Even the tertiary characters deliver obscenely strong performances.

I mean, come ON. That’s gold. This is just one of several dozen lines that absolutely floored me.

But this movie is more than just silly one-liners. The cinematography, pacing, and acting are all equally as incredible. As far as modern slashers go, this is peak. If you just finished watching the o.g., then you’ll also enjoy a lot of fun callbacks to the original. Including a fun re-imagination of my favorite iconic shot from the original. So. much. fun.

Ok, one more great one-liner for the road:

Sorry if not everyone here shares my 13 year old boy sense of humor. It makes sense that Danny McBride co-wrote this.

Halloween Kills (f-tier):

“evil dies tonight!”

–guess what fucking happens????

If you guessed that evil does, in fact, die then boy do I have news for you…

This is a trilogy for a reason.

Don’t at me.

We pick back up literally from the final frame of the last film, which is pretty cool. Although the cool intro immediately loses its impact as, unlike the prior movie, the acting in the sequel falls off a fucking cliff.

This film suffers from a clear sophomore slump. Beyond the terrible acting, it tries way too hard to build new lore into the franchise and doesn’t really execute that well either. Not to mention the cheap, over-the-top gay jokes with new Myer’s house residents: the dynamic duo of “Big John” and “Little John” (I wish I was making that up). This one is hard for me to watch.

The only saving grace of this film is it’s sheer brutality. Michael Myers ain’t playing games and the humble folk of Haddonfield return the favor by going utterly batshit insane. The final 10 minutes of this movie make the remainder of it worth the watch, but hardly… no spoilers.

Halloween ends (S-tier):

Slay-lc serves mother in cuntonfield, illinois

–buckle up, cause I say it again in two sentences.

Ugh, fuck. That poster.

Slay-LC serves mother in Cuntonfield, Illinois.

That’s it. That’s the whole review.

Happy Halloween!

Ok, but actually…

Fuck everyone that doesn’t like this one. Yeah, I’m looking at you! You think you’re better than me? Fuck you!

I almost didn’t want to watch this one after how much I hated Halloween Kills, but I’m glad I hiked up my shorts and stuck it out. This is a terrific end to the story of Michael Myers.

The acting and writing make a huge recovery from the corniness of Kills. And who could hate a creepy lil love story?

Corey’s character development over the course of this movie is awesome. I get the sense that a lot of folks were annoyed that this wasn’t a true “Michael Myers” movie, but that doesn’t bother me. Halloween (1978) and Halloween (2018) are both perfect as is and, in a world where greedy studios suck the life force out of every franchise’s teet they can suckle up to, I’m glad they decided to take a left-turn here and give us something truly original.